About Me

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My name is Stephanie. I'm 15 years old. I live in a small town and I have a pretty average life with a not so average past. I'm fine with that.

As of right now...

My name is Stephanie... My best friends, Catie and Kelley are super cool. My twin sister's name is Christina. I don't sleep a lot and when I do I don't sleep well. I have lots of nightmares that I never wake up from and weird dreams that linger in my brain. I'm not ashamed of my past, but don't expect me to broadcast it everywhere. In fact, I may not even share it at all. I'll never admit I like someone to their face. I'll never be happy with the way I look. I'll never have the self-confidence I seek in others. There's not much to tell... but that's my name.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

You're Okay by Me.

Oh gosh.
This is ... I hate this.
I hate this more than you could know.
Well, you may know...
Oh geez.
I just hate this.
He's wonderful.
He's absolutely perfect for me.
And I've been driving myself crazy for the past two weeks just thinking about him non-stop, constantly wondering and daydreaming and questioning if he could ever like me back.
Heck, love me back.
I've never said it before. . . I've never Actually been in love before. But I swear, if this isn't it, then I never want to meet the real thing. This is tormenting enough. It's too hard to be away from him every day, and every day I don't talk to him or he doesn't talk to me, feels like weeks and months. I just want to be around him all the time. I love him. And only Melanie knows anything about it, because she's the only one of my friends who doesn't know him. I couldn't tell anyone else... and it's killing me.
I want to tell him.
I want to tell him that I love him and just be happy with him, and I want him to love me back. It's just so ... nerve-wracking.
I could never say it.
I'm too chicken.
Maybe one day though.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Voice of Nature

Yesterday, Monday, we had a snow day.
And today, Tuesday, we had another snow day.
Now we only have Wednesday (which is a shortened day), Thursday, and Friday (party day) until WINTER BREAK!
I'm so excoited!
I got my mom a coffee maker this year.
And I'm really excited, because this will be the first year I've actually been old enough to know what they want, and rich enough to get it for them. Next year, I'll be even richer because I'll have a job! But I really am gleeful. (:
And yesterday, I went sledding with my sister and my friend, Spazz. Then we went back to my house, had hot chocolate, curled up under the electric blanket and watched Last Holiday. I seriously loved yesterday. Like.. in love.
And today, I spent the day hanging with my older sister, Becca and then she drove me to Miles' house and I hung there.
But I was kind of upset. I've always looked up to him and Shannon as a really cute couple, and he informed me that they just broke up. And it wasn't really a clear reason except for he couldn't feel he could trust her. So I was pretty disgruntled by it.
And when I first met him, I had a HUGE crush on him, but then when he started dating Shannon, I got really comfortable with them as a couple. But now that they're apart, I think he might be interested in me. Though not until I turn 16, because he's turning 18 in April. Idk. He was just REALLY all over me, like tickling me and hugging me and giving me razzles (you know, when someone makes that fart sound on your tummy?) and yeah... and he even asked me when I turned 16, and I remember about 9 months ago he told me he wouldn't date anyone younger than 16. So... yeah. I'm kinda concerned, but I'm not really sure that I'm unhappy with this.
It's a bit frustrating... and I wish he and Shannon were still together.
But they're not.
And I'm not 16 yet.
so there's a good and bad side to this.
Well, I just needed to get that off my chest.
So, if you'll excuse me, I have math homework to do.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Odd One

I feel like I don't fit.
I know that's cliche, and saying that's cliche is cliche.
But it's kinda the truth.
I'm odd.
I'm not like everyone else or anyone else.
I say things that these kids have never heard of.
And it's not big things, nothing someone would talk about..
it's just small things.
Like saying it is instead of it's.
or saying thank you and never thanks.
And saying thank you after a teacher allows me to go to the restroom.
And saying quite well instead of good.
And doing things without seeing it happening.
That happens a lot.
Where I'll do something, like perform a skit in drama class, or return my calculator to it's bin in Geometry, and after I sit back down and think about it, I'll realize that I wasn't looking at all at what I was doing. I'll try to remember where I was looking, and all I'll get is maybe one snapshot. It's odd.
And then I'll remember things that no one else does, because it is the most useless information ever.
For instance, I knew this kid Zack's 5th and 6th hour, and I only ever talked to him in 4th hour. He mentioned once that he had Algebra II right after our class, and I remembered that because our class was Geometry and I thought it odd to have two math classes in a row. And then one day I saw him doing Chemistry homework and deducted that it had to be his 6th hour because he wouldn't be doing homework in fourth hour if it wasn't due that day. And 6th hour was the only class left after 4 and 5.
And so one day we were talking about his Chemistry class, and I casually asked if he had it 6th hour, and I was right. He freaked out and called me a wizard, and then I told him that I knew his 5th hour was Algebra II also. He thought it was amazing.
And that's just one instance. I remember tons of useless information like that.
I'm odd.
It feels like I don't belong...
but I think I like it that way.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sunday Sunny Day.

Ever had one of those days where you've done so much, but you feel like you've done nothing in years?
That's what today was.
It was one of those "Blah" days.
Last night I spent the night at Miles, and Shannon (his gf) did too.
And when I woke up, I got in a fight with Kelley, because for some reason she made a Really big deal about me spending the night at Miles' house... which I have no idea why. And then she accused me of changing. And she told me she's moving away at semester end. Anndd. she told me she almost hooked up with her 18 year old (she's 15) ex boyfriend, and drank with him.
They haven't even talked in five months, they went out for like 4 days and they broke up because she found out he had a kid he didn't mention.
So I got really fucking pissed at her for making such a fucking stupid decision and NOT EVEN TELLING ME ABOUT IT.
Thought we were supposed to be best friends.
Anyway, I calmed down and read an entire book today.
It was Forever by Judy Blume. . .
And I realized I am SO ready for a boyfriend.
Hanging with Shannon and Miles got me thinking about it, because they are just so cute and so perfect together.
And that stupid book confirmed it.
I won't say I'm lonely, even if that's the truth.
I accidentally posted My Boy's name as my status on facebook... he commented. I liked one of his photos and one of his statuses and commented on one of them. We talked in class a few times last week.
Maybe I'll pursue it further.. I'll wait two weeks and if nothing has Really happened, I'll send him a message on Facebook. And we'll start talking.
And, you remember Jaguar? Well Catie still talks to him. And they're like Dawgs and he invited her to ice skating this winter, and she invited me.
We'll see what happens.
I wish I lived in the 70's when everything was very casual.

Monday, October 18, 2010


It was okay.
I went with Kelley, Melanie, CollintheLiar and some other kids.
Kelley and I got ready at my house.
and then we went to Melanie's.
There was like 10-20 people there.
And we went to the school in an RV.
It was pretty rad.
I didn't dance with Eyecandy, though I kinda/sorta almost did.. in that if Melanie had been able to find me, I would have.
And My Boy wasn't even there...
But that's okay.
And that was Saturday.
Sunday I hung out with Miles and Shannon, his girlfriend.
I had a good time. Shannon threw up twice.
And then that night(lastnight) I threw up at 2:30am.
And now I'm home from school.
so yeah.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Have you got spirit?
Romeo's classy.
Monday: Class shirt Day
Tuesday: Neon Day
Wednesday: Jungle Day
Thursday: Class Color Day
Friday: Homecoming Shirt Day

I didn't dress up for Monday.... I don't have a class shirt.
Today, Tuesday, I wore my neon yellow soccer socks, a grey skirt, and neon green soccer jersey with grey boots.
Tomorrow, I'm wearing my leopard print SNUGGIE! :::DDDD
Thursday, I'm wearing allllll green. Cuz Sophomores are green this year.
And Friday... well I'm just wearing normal clothes.

And then Saturday is HOMECOMING DANCE!!
Catie, Kelley and I are going<3
No one has asked any of us, but that's quite alright, quite alright.
Dates would ruin the trio thing.
Christina's not even going... that buttface.
But yeah. I just had to share this detail of the snuggie.

Monday, September 27, 2010

So this whole "every weekday" thing ...
isn't working out.
so how about every week?
And we'll call it even?
I thought so.
Eyecandy called me pretty today.
Well... he agreed that I was pretty.
And it was behind my back, so you know it was true!
Cuz Kelley and her friend Britney were talking about me,
(Kelley, fully aware that Eyecandy was listening in)
and she brought up that I was a good drawer and she and Britney started ooh-ing and aw-ing over that. And then Kelley said I was pretty.
Britney said something (I don't remember what, something like "Oh yeah, I know right?!")
And Then Eyecandy said "yeah."
I know it's nothing.
But it actually is something!
Cuz Eyecandy doesn't do that sort of stuff!
He doesn't usually talk ... like at all.
And he could've just stayed silent since he wasn't actually part of the conversation.
But no.
He agreed to me being pretty:)
It made my heart smile.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Oh yeah.
I have a new friend.
He and I are slowly becoming like besties. . .
kind of.
I was contemplating adding him to my wall
But I was friends with his sister, Melanie, first.
And it would be odd to put him up without her.
But I don't really feel like putting her up.
I guess I'll leave it for now.
But I call him CollinTheLiar because
1) his name is Collin
2) He lies and says he's a better writer than me
3) CollinLiar doesn't sound right. . . it needs a "The."

You're No Angel.

I don't really have anything to say.
But I'm trying to write everyday... or
every weekday at least.
Eyecandy keeps staring at me.
And I found out he likes girls with bad posture.
(Weird, huh?)
But I dooo have bad posture... so . hm?
Perhaps, perhaps, per-er... haps.

Monday, September 20, 2010

My Candy.

I haven't written in a while.
School has given me no motivation.
I have no classes with Eyecandy(this guy I've liked since the 8th grade)
but my friend Kelley does and Catie.
Kelley actually is becoming friends with him.
This is good, because she's already mentioned me a lot and found out what he's looking for in a girl.
But this is bad, because even though she doesn't mean to, Kelley has a way of getting every guy she comes in contact with to fall for her.
But I also have a class with My Boy(this guy I've liked since the middle of 9th grade)
but he and I don't talk...
but I'm friends with his best friend. . . so is that a step closer?
I don't know.
I'm so sick right now.
I seriously feel like crying.
But I can't miss any school cuz its only the 3rd week, and I'm missing this Friday because of the Sewing Expo that my mom just has to take Christina and me too. . .

Friday, September 3, 2010

Peach Festival.

Okay, so Driver's Training is over.
My last drive is scheduled for tomorrow at 7am (Saturday).
Christina's is tomorrow at 11am. And she is paired with Jaguar.
Since I'll get my certificate
(not the actual permit yet [have to go to Secretary of State for that and he's not open on Saturdays])
My mom will probably let me drive her
and I'll get to see Jaguar one last time before I watch him disappear in my rearview mirror.

But todayyy
is Peach fest!
And for everyone who doesn't live in southern Michigan,
that's a big festival that everyone goes to.
It's a carnival, parades, food, little shops, everything.
The whole nine yards.
The entirity of my town is filled with fun.
And I live so close to it that I walk out my front door and
I can already hear screams from the Freak Out.
It's amazing.
And I'm going today with Christina, Kelley, and probably some other people.
I might see Miles, Toni, Ripley, and Spazz there.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Happy Fuckin Birthday.

12:01 am.
Happy fuckin birthday to me.

Cute as you.

Jaguar doesn't like me.
Doesn't even think I'm cute.
At least, that's what he told Catie.
Maybe its cuz he thinks she's cute.
When asked, he said

No, not really.
I mean, they're not ugly.
But they're not as cute as you.

Catie didn't tell me.
I know her Facebook info.
I logged in and read her messages.
Should've saved myself the finger movement.
Should've saved my breath.
Anyways, I passed my test
and tomorrow's the last day of Driver's Training.
It couldn't come faster.

Monday, August 30, 2010


Screw Driver's Training.
Screw Jaguar.
Screw Facebook.
Facebook sucks.
I knew myspace was better.
Stupid relationship statuses.
14 hours.
That's how much I missed him by.
14 hours ago, he's "married" to some chick.
14 fucking hours.
Maybe its a joke.
Maybe its the worst joke I've ever heard of.
Maybe I'm crying for nothing.
Maybe I should stop.
Maybe I can't.


Is this ridiculous?
Catie told me she wants me and Jaguar together.
And she said she will break into our dt class if she had to
and put my number in his phone.
Then she got off myyearbook
and disappeared for a few moments.
My thoughts:
She's on Facebook!
She's talking to him on Facebook!
then she texts me

Guess what?


I was so excited that I started laughing.
And then I was scared so I started crying.
And I was borderline happy and sad.
and I was shaking.
She texts back.
Nothing about Jaguar at all.
Something about her guy, Aaron.
I started crying harder.
And now I feel embarrassed
and ashamed.
I shouldn't be feeling so strongly for Jaguar.
Maybe I should just give up.
And cry.
And stop playing with my own emotions.

Time After Time.

I love that song.
It's awesome.
And once again, I'm in one of my 'moods'
Where all I think about is how much I like the guy I like.
Oh, Jaguar.
What are you thinking about right now?
Is it me?
I hope so.
I wish so.
I'll be thinking of you tonight. I'll be dreaming of you tonight. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I'll be dreaming of you tomorrow.

If you're lost you can look and you will find me.
Time after time.
If you fall I will catch you.
I'll be waiting.
Time after time.

Maybe you don't know what I'm thinking. But I really wish you would be thinking the same thing.

I hate this mood. I get into it every time I stay up too late and listen to romantic music.
I hate this mood because I usually end up disappointed.


Okay, so I haven't posted this because my internet was down when it happened and I kinda forgot till now.
But that cute guy in my Driver's Training class
(we'll call him Jaguar, cuz Kelley says he looks like one)
and I drove together.
That's right.
That day I had to wake up at 5am on a Saturday,
I drove with him.
And oh my poseidon.
He is gorgeous.
He is beyond gorgeous.
He is breathtaking.
Christina says he looks like Christofer Drew (nevershoutnever)
but I think he's a milliontimes better.
I'm just sad because he and I only talked once at the drive and once afterwards.
Here are our two (fabulous) conversations.

Jaguar: "Do you want to drive first?"

"No, I mean, I don't really care."
"Okay, well then I will."

Next one.
Me: "Hey, Jaguar, how do you think I drove?"
"Oh, I thought you did well."
"Really? Anything bad about it?"
"Haha, well when you pulled out of the parking space..."
"Oh yeah, haha. I was nervous."
"Me too."
"You weren't scared for your life though?"
"Mm.. no."

And that's it. :T It's been more than a week since then... and all we've done yet is exchange looks. But Catie did add him on Facebook!
Apparently he's a grade lower than me and in a different school... but I can live with that.
Yeah, he is that perfect.
If only I was.

Saturday, August 28, 2010


I got a new kitten:)
My birthday party was yesterday.
And even though my birthday isn't for a few days, I still got tons of cool gifts.
I got $60, a necklace, a cool little skateboard, and a new Kitten!!
And Kelley's gift is still in the mail...
but she's getting me plugs.

Size 4g.
And I'm going to use my money to buy 2gs and 0gs. Maybe even some 00gs.
But I love my new kitten.
His name is Harlem, and he refuses to come out of my room.
I think it's adorable.

Friday, August 20, 2010


This past week my sleeping schedule has been all over the place. Monday, I started driver's training which starts at 10:30 and ends at 12:30.
Of course, the first day I needed to look good (in case of cute guys) so I woke up at 8am after staying up until 4am the night before.
Turns out, there's this Reallyy cute guy there.
So, I need to look good everday, and therefore wake up every day at 8am.
Unless I drive at 8am, then I wake up at 6am.
So, here's my sleeping schedule for this week:

Fell asleep @ 4am
Woke up @ 8am

Fell asleep @ 2am
Woke up @ 8am
Napped for 2 hours @ 2pm

Fell asleep @ 2am
Woke up @ 6am
Napped for 4 hours @ 1pm

Fell asleep @ 3am
Woke up @ 8am
Fell asleep @ 8pm

Woke up @ 2am
Talked to Miles for around an hour
Watched TV
Fell asleep @ 6am
Woke up @ 12pm

Tomorrow, I have to wake up at 5am to drive at 7am and I have no idea what time I'll go to bed tonight. All I know is, with driver's training, back to school, my birthday party coming up, and soccer practice, I'm a busy little camper... Or is it a bee?
I don't know.
I'm too tired to remember.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


So my first drive went well.
I drove on the highway, did stop and go turns, moving turns, even went through the roundabouts. The only thing I even came close to crashing into was a curb, and that was in a secluded parking lot. So it hardly even counts.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Drive in the Morning.

I'm going to drive today... for an hour... at 8am.
It's 7:18 right now and needless to say I'm kinda not excited for it.
It's too damn early.
And I'm REALLY cold.
I hope I don't kill anyone... who's not a hooker.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Drive Over Me.

Today is my first day of Driver's Training.
I've only ever driven once before.
and that was 3 days ago.
I screamed the entire time, almost hit four people, one car, ran two stop signs and drove on the wrong side of the road.
So yeah...
Christina and Kelley are going to be in my class and Catie gets her license in two months.
I hope I don't kill our teacher or any children...
Wish me luck.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

R.I.P. Catie's Mom

Today, I had a talk with my mom.
I had the responsibility of telling her that Catie's mom died.
This happened last Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010.
My mom and I started talking about how it happened and how Catie was doing when I realized something.
Though it was a very unfortunate incident, Catie was lucky to have as many people around as she did. Her two older sisters, her older brother, her younger sister, her mom's boyfriend, and her dad have all been hanging around the house. And she and her younger sister, Leah, plan to continue living in the same house with her mom's boyfriend.
If it doesn't work out, though, she'll go to live with her dad. And even he isn't that far away, just about 6 miles. She'd still go to our school. It'd be difficult to see her, and quite a change from the mile and a half bike ride it is to her house, but still.
However, if I ever lost my mom, (Poseidon forbid), I would have to move down to South Carolina and live with my dad.
Christina would come too, and depending on how much money she can scrape together, my older sister Becca would also have to come live with us.
But I'm not gonna dwell on the What Ifs and Could Be's.
There's just no time for it.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Have you ever tried to push down those little bubbles that come on the plastic lids from fast food places... with your tongue?
I think I shall try this tomorrow when I go to Sonic.
Plus, I'm going to see The Other Guys.
With my mom and Christina.


So I've been listening to this song a lot lately
Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah
And it really makes me feel...
I don't know.
No, not depressed.
I feel empty... yet thoughtful.
It makes my heart ache.
Maybe, because, for the first time
since my breakup with Cody
I feel absolutely

Thursday, August 5, 2010


I went on a bike ride tonight.
I scraped up my leg:T
Wasn't even on my bike when it happened.
But Catie, my best friend, her brother, Robby, and his friend Brian and I all rode our bikes down this bike trail and it was like midnight: pitch black.
We got off to visit this graffiti sight and it was pretty much downhill covered with loose gravel.
Needless to say, with me being one of the unluckiest and clumsiest kids anybody knows, I slipped.
My leg and foot got scraped and I started bleeding.
Rob bent down to check it out and I was leaning over him to see it too, and when he stood back up, the back of his head hit me straight in the nose.
But he hugged me to make it better...
it helped.
Also, a few nights ago, I was riding my bike home from Catie's (again in the dark) and I must've been daydreaming or extremely lost in thought because all of a sudden, I realized I'm headed straight for a car!
dun Dun DUNN!
I swerve to try and miss, but my arm hit the mirror and it broke off, and I flew off my bike.
I couldn't just ditch, there had been two witnesses, both questioning my physical health.
So I marched up to the house and brought them the mirror.
Luckily they weren't bitches, and the old lady just dismissed me...
kinda like she didn't want me there...
kinda like she wanted to be alone...
kinda like she was killing someone...

OH YEAH! I forgot...

I broke up with my boyfriend.
Mhm, dumped him.
About a week and a half ago.
I just couldn't see me and him like other couples.
The feelings just weren't really there.
So yeah, it was through Text Message.
I know.
But I couldn't wait until we met up in person, cuz he lives a few miles away and it was always such a hassle for us to meet up with each other.
So via text was easiest, even if it is turribull.

Computer FAIL!

Okay, so my computer has been shit-tastic this past week. Christina, my twin, went on some site that infected us with trojans and viruses and crap.
But it's back now!
I'll be ready to invade your minds with little hoohas and doodads.
First thing I want to say: Pinch, poke, you owe me a coke.
One time my friend said that to me, while pinching and poking me, so I decided to find a way to shut her up. First thing I did: try and poke her.
Second thing that happened: I poked her tooth.
First thing that popped out of my mouth: Touch your tooth, you owe me a blowjob, fucker!
Yeah. . .
That shut her up.
Second thing I want to say: If you touch your tongue while yawning, you stop mid-yawn.
It's quite remarkable.
I used to always have to wait if I wanted to talk till I was done yawning.
Now if I want to say something, and that bastard yawn sneaks up on me, I can just poke my tongue and bam!
But if I touch my tooth, I owe myself a blowjob.... fucker.
Third thing I wanted to say: ... hm. I forgot.
Juggalos suck...
just sayin.
The reason I say this is cuz there's this guy talking to me RIGHT NOW. and he is a 'juggalo'
and I've hated him since the 6th grade.
So yeah.
And the only other 'juggalos' I know of are complete billhillies.
But, before I get in a bad mood, I'm going to leave.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Sweet Dreams

I woke up today and immediately wanted to go back to sleep.
And so I did.
My dream continued, and let me tell you: never in my life have I wanted to be a whore... but this dream was quite interesting.
In this dream, there were three to four guys whom I made out with.
Not all at the same time...

But I kept switching off. One guy I met in the line for the grocery store bathroom which resembled a warehouse cellar. Two (or three) others I met in my house.
You see, I was in one of those situations like the Real World or Big Brother where you're in a house with a bunch of other strangers... although there were no cameras in this house and there was only one bed and a couch. It was the smallest apartment I've ever seen. I'm pretty sure someone slept on the bathroom floor.
It was a weird dream, and when I woke up for good I saw I had a text from my boyfriend 'Good Morning'
I'm not sure he'd approve of my dream.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


It's always all about her.
She wants to know what I think
but she won't take it into consideration.
She wants me to give her advice
but she won't listen to what I say.
She wants what she wants
but she won't give me a thing.
It's always all about her.
She cries and I don't know what to do
but still she does it in front of me.
She laughs and I laugh too
but she insists it's her jokes making us laugh.
She yells and I cower
but that doesn't stop her voice.
It's always all about her.
She can be annoying and rude
but she's my best friend.
She can make the stupidest decisions on Earth
but she's my best friend.
She can be self-centered and ignorant
but she's my best friend.
It's always all about her... to me.
My name is Stephanie.
Right now I'm feeling... weird.
There's not a word for it, no way to describe it.
Today's Thursday, the 22nd of July, and I'm not feeling... well.
Maybe it was the major bike ride I had earlier, and it just tuckered me out. Or maybe it was the food I ate, my plate was a little full. Or perhaps it's just his face in my mind.
He isn't allowed in my thoughts. But somehow, he always seems to show up.
I'm not too interested in sharing how he is at the moment, but chances are eventually I'll spill.
That's just how I am I guess.
I'll be going to the mall on Saturday with my boyfriend, Cody, and I'm kind of excited since he says I'll get to pick out what size jeans he wears. Finally a guy who will wear just the right amount of skinny in his jeans.
I plan to buy a blue tanktop that I saw. It's amazing. I've been loving it more and more for the past two weeks. When I get it, I think I might just wear it for a week. Would anyone notice? Would anyone care?
Let's hope not.